Debating The Girl

Recently I googled "why men leave women" and found pages of articles. Some were scholarly and well researched, some were written by bitter men and were predictably myopic, some were based on common humorous anecdotes, and finally there were the obligatory women's relationship magazines and their take on why we unwashed would deign to dash from a princess.

I read them all. aside from the ones that originated in Elle, the articles with even a hint of thought had all thei major themes in common. What struck me though was that, rather than describing behavioral choices, they articles essentially described women...as they are. In fact, take a random list of "10 reasons men leave" and each one could be prefaced with the words "like most women do,possessing a tendency to________________ will drive a man away".

I was crestfallen. Sure I've been on the receiving end of these behaviors, from my mother, my wife, even my teen daughter. I knew them intuitively. But listed all together they read like a CV, a sort of manifesto about being a woman, like this is the stuff we are made of fellas, son't ya just love us. But if these things cause women to leave and they are part of the fundamental female make up, in general, what to do?

Quickly I looked for the converse, seeking what about me would chase her away. I wasn't surprised that almost all of the behaviors described either boiled down to men not acting enough like women (communication, empathy, affection, etc.) or described hte man's need to change something that was a holdover from who he was...before her.

The contrast of the two lists was like a two by four in the head. Her behaviors that drove him crazy mostly had to do with nagging him, and or changing him. He was not irritated by things about the wife that he wanted to change. There was no, "if she would do this instead of that". His behaviors that annoyed her had everything to do with him not changing into someone she is more comfortable with....someone, well, ...someone just LIKE her.

Old saws are usually old saws. But this old saw is as shiney and new, and insighful as the day it was created.

She marries him thinking she can change him.
He marries her hoping she will never change.

men are under too much pressure to become women in this country. Women are divocing them in greater and greater numbers as a result, and kids are the ultimate losers.

The Preachers Wife

I just read a seriously dangerous letter to the editor in a TN newspaper regarding the Wheeler woman who shot her pastor husband in the back with a shotgun. In typical misandry fashion, a woman, another preacher's wife was lamenting all that the church expects of the pastor's wife and how the husband treats her like a servant and so on and so on like a dang Breck commercial. She then went on to state that she felt sorry for the poor thing and hopes this incident raises awareness of the poor suffering women that live in the plight of serving the church and the dominating husband so representative (in her mind) in the conservative denominations such as Baptists. She boasted that she and her husband are equals bygolly and his Presbyterian church better not have a problem with that. What she didn't say is the rest of the story.
I can be sure that this woman absolutely runs the church where her husband lives the illusion of being the leader. She either writes, or at least approves of the sermons. And you can bet on Mother's Day and Father's Day she has a lot to say. Woman good, Man bad. That's about it.
When a pastor's wife can take the initiative to express worry for this murdering woman, and not even a mention of the dead husband or the fatherless children she created, there is a sickness present among some of the woman of the church.

Men are from Mars? Women are like spagetti? These represent half of the titles of two pretty good books on gender, how men and women differ, how they are the same, and how to get past it (or at least get over it). It can be hilarious reading, and the laughs can form a basis for common ground, if one can call making fun of each other common ground. But the fact of the matter is, for the most part, we cannot and we do not communicate well across genders. Moreover, while running down a list of those who have accomplished tangible things, things that advance our civilization or define it in terms of governance or law, we see a preponderance of men. Communicating in science and math is decidedly skewed to the "male method", and in other fields where communication is integral, such as law, women excell by communicating more like men. Oh, I know these are controversial statements, and raise the ire of every women and many men who read them. One reason is that we are barraged daily with the notion of how feminised communication is superior, and how in relationships, it is she that does the heavy lifting by carrying the communication burden and the expressiveness needed. How can it be that society tells us that her way is best, while "stuff" gets done in the meantime by communicating his way?

Do bear in mind that these are generalizations, which differ from stereotypes. Nevertheless they are valid.

Consider the following dialog:

Him: "Honey we have $200 remaining in the account and we owe $180 for the remainder of this months bills. Thats great news."

Her: "Well good because I was going to send my aunt a $75 gift basket for her birthday"

Him: "But, we just don't have the extra money"

Her: "We haven't sent her one in 3 years"

Stop here a second. If we could hear thoughts I submit that in her mind she just tossed out the deal sealer. Her emotional appeal makes it so obvious that they should proceed with the financially irresponsible action that she cannot imagine he could object further. From experience he knows this and knows it is futile. He can agree to put the gift on a credit card, or, leave his wife thinking he is an ogre. He tells her to send the gift, and stuffs down a little more anger. Years later, in counceling, he cannot describe this dynamic sufficiently while she recounts other such incidents, concluding jointly with the councelor that he is too tight with money, and that he needs to try and understand her better by listening with his heart. After all, her communicating is far more nuanced, and clearly superior (even if it results in rationalizing poor financial choices he should loosen up and not see the world in black and white).

One of her favorite methods of debate is, when faced with a situation where she is clearly losing, she simply makes a statement that is losely related to the topic, clearly and undeniably true, but 100% irrelevant to the argument. He cannot refute her statement of fact, and if he tries to explain how irrelevant it is, he is reminded that in her complex mind she is capable of connecting dots between which he sees no possible connection, and this is a relevant fact for those with higher tier thinking skills.

He stuffs it away, swallows it down, and one day begins to write about it, making these observations in the hope of someone passing by and agreeing, but knowing all the while that he can observe all he likes, but he will never crack the code that bridges the gap between styles of communication.

How can it be that in a performance based society we are more or less told we must communicate, or try to anyway, in the least efficient manner, even if it leads to settling nothing, and often represents discussion for discussions sake. Sure men can talk without accomplishing something. We can make observations, pay compliments, share opinions, and give instructions. But we are not so good at talking about a problem with no fix in mind at all. Here I yield some ground.

In the case of an emotional dilemma I absolutely see her point. Even if it isn't comfortable and not in our nature, we should do our best at empathy, trying to just be sensitive and really hear her. But even this gets taken too far.

The pastors wife was lecturing us men (again) about how we must bend our communcation style to fit her needs, and suppress the urge to fix problems, but rather just listen and "understand". It came to mind to test that suggestion in the absurd.

If I came home from work and my wife was overwhelmed and had received sad news of a death in the family or a friends divorce or some such thing, sure I can sit and empathize. But if she begins to share her day, we are told that no matter what, just listen and feel her pain. So when her list of complaints includes that an overloaded outlet in the babies room started a small fire in the nursery, I hesitate to think that perhaps a "fix" in an inappropriate reaction, and screw the empathy.

Yes thats an absurd example. But here is the rub. Once it becomes subjective, who gets to decide the line of demarcation bewteen those things on which we should act or suggest action and those we should simply listen to and empathize? I am sure of one thing here, men and women are not going to agree on where that line be drawn. This conversation/debate, if condusted with a female, may end with her stating something like "the world isn't black and white like you would prefer". Here is a perfect example of what I discussed above, where she states a truth, but it doesn't apply.

He packs it away and goes about his business.

Soon the place these things are packed starts to buldge and rub blisters. They get sensitive. they start to get irritated by the constant jokes about men, present in television shows and commercials, present in self effacing comments men make even when women aren't around, and the worst, present in the obligatory jokes told by preachers in church...the last safe place men can be men...used to be.

Men are not going to meet the need of women to vebally vent and see appropriate reaction. Men are not pity partiers for the most part. And when this activity is foist on us in ways where it bleeds into every aspect of our life, from work to worship, we outwardly stop being men, and we see what we see today in an utterly directionless and feminised society.

We were not designed to be ruled over by women. We were not designed to be the same and do all the same things and have the same expected of us. It is no more feasible to expect that women all of a sudden begin thinking linearly and logically then it is that men stop doing so.

So what to do? How do we reorder society? What positive side effects can be seen in a society that moves back towards that which it left?

I'll answer later.